Lets Carry On From Where I Finished Yesterday
23 May 2008 2:41 p.m.
I'm confused......
Let me try to explain the little turmoil going on in my head.
Well, the bits I am remembering. The pregnant brain is so messing with my memory this week, I might just finish this on the point I wish to make. If I am lucky.
I never really began to touch on what I was trying to say in my last entry. I ran out of time.
For years I would read pregnancy blogs about women fearing that they would not love their children equally. I always assumed I would never feel that way.
I still don't have that fear. I might later on in pregnancy but it's not an issue now.
What I have been thinking alot about lately though is that I worry that I won't treat this baby the same as Matthew.
I don't mean this in the way of favouritsm but I already feel like this baby has got far more going for it with a healthy home life to come into than Matthew experienced in the whole pregnancy and first 2 years of his life.
I fear that I will over-compensate on his younger years by making him spoilt once the baby is here. I also sense that this baby will have so much more that Matthew didn't have when he was first here.
Grandparents for starters.
I never met any of my ex husbands family so Matthew missed out on a lot of family interaction with his fathers side of the family. Maybe that actually makes it easier that we really get on with bf's parents and siblings. They are the "second" set of Grandparents Matthew never had.
This baby will be more spoilt from birth with 2 families piling on the gifts and making a fuss.
I know this isn't that big an issue really and that in a way, it's better we don't have the ex in laws on the scene. It means Matthew accepts bf's family as his own family and that can only be a positive thing for both Matthew and this baby.
I know Matthew can't remember the first year of his life but I am the one feeling guilty about this and I do feel like he has missed out on so much.
I know that this shouldn't be an issue, it shouldn't be upsetting me and I know that I have been particularly emotional and snappy this week. (There must be something about wk 16, Beware of that wrath and the lows that come with it)
I stuck at my marriage because I wanted what was best for him. I knew it wouldn't work but I wanted him to grow up in a 2 parent environment but looking back it only did more bad than good.
It wasn't easy staying in an abusive relationship but it was harder to escape it. I tried to support my ex through his drink problem because I wanted more for Matthew. I put up with the emotional mistreatment and controlling behaviour because I didn't want Matthew to go without anything. I wanted him to have everything that other kids have but in the end it just created more trouble and problems for us both. I worry that this did more damage to Matthew than I realise and that I got it all wrong the first time round.
I've never really questioned my ability as a mother before now. I think that in the circumstances, I did a good job with him but I will now always have that underlying feeling that I could have done better. I could have done more for him even if it meant bringing him up on my own a lot sooner.
I don't know anyone else who has this problem as most people I know have 2 kids with the same father so their kids have the same benefits, privilages and upbringing.
Some things just seem more complicated than they first appear.
I'm still confused......